This morning, Darth Vader publicly announced that he will be leaving The Empire. In his interview with The Daily Mash, he expressed his concern for The Empire’s fate if they continue down the path of promoting without dedication and understanding of leadership. “Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and killing your former mentor with a light sabre,” he said. Our beloved Darth continued in-depth about his frustrations with The Empire’s shift due to a “disturbing lack of faith.”
With this announcement brought obvious disappointment to my life. My mind slipped into a world of fix-it mode almost instantaneously. How can I convince Darth to stick it out? Twelve years is a long time, he can’t just walk away. He is The Empire. The Empire will be nothing without him. How can I speak to him inside his head to adequately manipulate his decision? That’s when it clicked. I don’t want that… Him leaving is the perfect opportunity for me. Yes… me. I’ll be the new Darth… it’s perfect really. My mind speaking went a little like this:
Darth, I think I have the answer to your prayers. It is I who you need. I will gladly step in and take over where you have left off. You’ve brought The Empire a long way, but now, it is in obvious need for strength and manipulation through fresh eyes in order to regain the ability to “make millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced.” You will recognize my remarkable ability to overcome all that The Empire has lost with your leaving as you push The Empire to accept my offer to re-focus their efforts. I have done my homework on your mission, values, and goals and it is my belief that I will be the most perfect fit.
Over the years I have strengthened my ability to speak to others inside their heads to perfectly manipulate any given situation (as I’m currently demonstrating and you are overwhelmingly impressed). With this skill I would like to further The Empire’s control of the galaxy by bringing the focus point back to where it belongs. The world misses your ever-inspiring ability to kill people in terrifying and unstoppable ways. Let me be that person. I will not disappoint you. I know my skills will impress you. You will be so proud of how it turns around. With my marketing and public relations background I belive I can take The Empire to new heights. You need a little tweeting action, a Facebook page, maybe some microblogging, and of course I’ll set up the LinkedIn profile to better network with the galaxy. You’ll see, The Empire will be something you could never have imagined. Might I also add, my light saber skills are breathtakingly unmistakable… those former mentors never saw it coming (I’d watch your back if I were you Darth… even more reason to push me through).
I fully appreciate your recommendation and cooperation. Yours truly.
Oh hey Empire, you ready for this? Bucket list add? Yep. Checked.