Category Archives: relationships

Finding comfort in dreams

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enjoy-in-love10I had a dream last night that I found him, that I was laying with my head in his lap as he combed through my hair with his fingertips. He listened as I opened up about my deepest fears in letting someone love me. I shared with him my fear of imposing my life on another’s, how I’ve continually allowed for guys to hide me for fear of their open rejection, my continual “settling” for less than what I know I need for fear of not being worthy of finding it, my lack of strength to not falter in my passions and goals in order to be flexible and accommodating to someone else’s… and as I let each fear roll off my tongue he sat there combing through my hair with his fingertips, listening to every word I spoke allowing me to finish my full thought. As I finished he looked down at me with this reassuring and comforting love in his eyes and said, “I wish those fears were not your concerns. I love you for all that you are and all that you’ll be. I want to show you that you’re my world and that I want to help you let go of those fears.” I immediately felt this calming sensation flow through me. I felt comforted and warm, the tension eased away… he rubbed my back softly until I fell back asleep.He whispered to me, “everything will be okay, you’ll find me when the time is right, but until then, everything will be okay…”

dreamI woke up this morning so calm, with a strength I’ve never really felt before. I felt as though who ever “he” is knew me in a way no one else ever could, in a way that no one else ever will. He passed no judgement on the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, and cherished all the good and bad that have shaped me into the person that I am today. I find an eerie comfort in that dream and today, I’m okay with all that I am and all that I’ve become. And I’m reminded… Everything will be okay.

V-to-the-B… ver-ON-i-CA!

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It’s amazing how much one person can truly impact your life without you fully understanding to what extent. The past few weeks I’ve been super sappy and reflecting on memories, going through old photos and trying not to be too selfish with the time left (I say that as if someone is on their death-bed… gosh, I’m such an overdramatic sap sometimes… Lady V will never let me live this one down). It’s funny though, I’ve really taken it for granted how close we’ve lived near each other the last few months (and years for that matter) and in less than 24 hours she’ll be on her way to a life 637 miles  (yes, I google mapped it, don’t judge) from mine… that’s 11 hours and a passport away! Yep, I said passport… Lady V has finally achieved the International Badass title (about damn time!) that we’ve been waiting for since… well, since as long as I’ve known her. When we were 18 we schemed up a plan to make her English dream-life a reality… I mean, we had it down to the late night/early morning kidnapping-drive to the airport and everything. It was fool-proof, I swear… Parent proof… maybe not so much. Even though this time there will be no grand escapes, it still seems as though this adventure seems to be one more worth sharing.

But I’m so not ready for her move now! Excited, but not ready. This lady has helped shape my sarcasm (no matter how bad it still is, she’s determine to not give up), my badassness (okay, maybe I’m not that badass, but I like to think that part of her rubbed off on me) and my appreciation for metal (yes a little poppy-blonde does stand out at a kickass metal show). She has been the logic to my dramatic emotions, the voice of reason that I tend to lack, yet continues to listen without judging when I share my outrageous stories, feelings and life “troubles.”

Lady V is something else I tell ya. I’ve always found myself intrigued by her and I guess that’s why I cherish our friendship in the ways that I do. She’s most unlike any friend you’ll ever have or ever meet… you see, Lady V in a nutshell is a badass-metalhead twisted with a true southern belle… she’s hardcore with class, leather jacket and pearls… she’s a friend my life can’t survive without.

We’ve been through high school awkwardness to college adjustments to post-college uncertainty and strategically grown lives that are destined for greatness. Here’s to a new chapter that I may not physically be there to witness, but I’m so happy to be on the sidelines for. You have so much to offer this world and I cannot tell you how blessed I feel to have the opportunity to watch you take on a new country (even if it is Canada. Okay, bad joke). Never forget your southern roots, the HB love, and all of the ridiculous adventures we’ve had over the years… you, my dear, is what a friend is made of and I thank you for teaching me that. Now go teach Canada the VB way!

What a year!

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It’s hard to believe it has been a year since I started this blog… well, it was officially a year this past Friday, but I was on wedding overload… and no, not my wedding. Come on, you read this thing, you should know that I’d clue you in if I was making those kinda changes in my life… give me another 10 years for that (and yes, I can add, I know that puts me at 35 going on 36… don’t judge).

The wedding that took place this weekend was kind of perfect for my year anniversary of the beginnings of my epic adventures. It gave me the opportunity to witness two people who whole-heartedly deserved the beautiful celebration they received and all the love they were showered with. The Most Classy Gal, as she was named in the toast given by Crazy K, has been an inspiration to me over the last 10+ years that I’ve known her, but more specifically in the last three years that I’ve been so fortunate to develop an even stronger friendship with her. The Most Classy Gal is the epitome of a good friend. She has never asked for anything and is forever giving with no expectations. She remembers every meeting, date, trip, and important event you tell her about, sending wishes of good luck before and inquiring about outcomes afterward. She remembers your favorite food, dessert (even if she can’t have it herself), and soda, being sure she stocks up for whenever (even if it’s months down the road) you might stop by next.

Watching The Most Classy Gal & her now husband receive everything she never asked for, but everything she ever deserved gave me chills. It reinforced almost everything my adventures this past year have stood for: finding happiness, love, and the independence & strength she has that I so desire.

I’ve been blessed by being surrounded by friends and family very much like The Most Classy Gal and empowered to move away from those that were toxic. It has been quite a whirlwind of learning, observing, and moving on. Growing up has never been so intense and exciting at the same time. I strive to one day be a friend to the level that The Most Classy Gal is without trying and I will continue to find new adventures that test my strength and broadened my appreciation for other lifestyles & cultures. This year has been a turning point in my life and I will be forever grateful for all that have encouraged me, comforted me, loved me, and pushed me to work harder. This year was only the beginning, I can’t wait to see what’s next. Here’s to the continuation of a mid-twenties’ take on life, love, and discovering independence.

Who am I again?

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Super cheesy, I know… but it’s true.

Most of the time I feel like I’m moving forward at a speed I can’t keep up with (in a good way), I feel like I’ve accomplished so much in the past few months that I never could have imagined possible. Yet, some days I still find myself feeling those bitter feelings when I’m in certain situations or reminded of where I thought my life was going… that feeling just creeps up, like hives (bleh… gross).

Does that bitter feeling ever go away? I honestly am quite tired of feeling those negative things and I know my friends are most likely beyond tired of hearing about them.

I mean, I am finally in a place in my life where I want to be single. Regardless of those occasional lingering bitter feelings, it’s literally the first time I think I’ve ever felt content with being single. That may sound silly (because it is), but in all honesty, I guess I’m somewhat of a serial monogamous and absolutely a hopeless romantic. But after 25 1/2 years, I’ve come to the conclusion (oh wait, here’s the kicker) I need to figure me out a LOT more before I can figure anyone else out (no matter how much I enjoy dissecting the male brain… ha, sick, I know, who actually enjoys that?).

Wow, imagine that, what a realization. (Do you hear my sarcasm?… Okay sister-friend, you can now say: “I told you so.” Go ahead, I’m giving you permission).

Just gonna keep looking forward. Gosh, 25 is such an awkward age. Thank God I’m almost 26… oh wait… is that a good thing? Ha… Guess I’ll have to let you know…

To be continued?

Is chivalry really dead?

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After yesterday’s birthday celebration for my grandmother, my mind has been on a wander. It was touching in a way I can’t express through words to watch my grandmother watch the video I put together with her old photographs. She’s usually a strong woman that doesn’t show much excitement or emotion (I obviously did not get my emotional expression from her). However, watching her reaction to some of the photos was just incredible. The best of all though, when the last song on the video, “I can’t give you anything but love, baby,” began to play I saw a spark in her eyes as she sat up a little straighter leaning in to be sure she was hearing correctly. I then heard her say sweetly with a little excitement in her voice, “That’s the song… the song El used to sing me when he was courting me.” She continued to tell us back then “everyone was poor so that’s all he could give [her].” It was possibly the most precious thing I’ve ever watched her say.

I think that moment will forever be engrained in me. I want that. I want that never-dying, deep love. My Pop Pop died about fifteen years ago and watching her today listen to that song with tears in her eyes… it was touching to say the least. In most ways, I’m quite forward thinking, independent, and an equal opportunist, but in some ways… the old-fashion traditions catch my heart. It’s the little mannerisms that catch my attention to be honest; when you’re walking down a street and the guy walks closest to the roadside, when a guy opens the door for you and guides you through by the small of your back, when a guy looks you in the eye with interest in what you have to say, when a guy opens the car door for you… I could go on… but these are just a few of those old-fashion chivalrous things that slightly melt my heart yet I’ve experienced little of and rarely in the same occasion. Yet, I’ve learned… if you’re the kind of guy that plays games, I’m not the one for you. The whole, wait three days to call… doesn’t really work on me (I’ve mentioned before, I have a slight case of ADD). I do however have high hopes chivalry is not completely dead… It might just take a bit longer to find it. Here’s to hoping.

The New Darth Vader?

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This morning, Darth Vader publicly announced that he will be leaving The Empire. In his interview with The Daily Mash, he expressed his concern for The Empire’s fate if they continue down the path of promoting without dedication and understanding of leadership. “Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and killing your former mentor with a light sabre,” he said. Our beloved Darth continued in-depth about his frustrations with The Empire’s shift due to a “disturbing lack of faith.”

With this announcement brought obvious disappointment to my life. My mind slipped into a world of fix-it mode almost instantaneously. How can I convince Darth to stick it out? Twelve years is a long time, he can’t just walk away. He is The Empire. The Empire will be nothing without him. How can I speak to him inside his head to adequately manipulate his decision? That’s when it clicked. I don’t want that… Him leaving is the perfect opportunity for me. Yes… me. I’ll be the new Darth… it’s perfect really. My mind speaking went a little like this:

Darth, I think I have the answer to your prayers. It is I who you need. I will gladly step in and take over where you have left off. You’ve brought The Empire a long way, but now, it is in obvious need for strength and manipulation through fresh eyes in order to regain the ability to “make millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced.” You will recognize my remarkable ability to overcome all that The Empire has lost with your leaving as you push The Empire to accept my offer to re-focus their efforts. I have done my homework on your mission, values, and goals and it is my belief that I will be the most perfect fit.

Over the years I have strengthened my ability to speak to others inside their heads to perfectly manipulate any given situation (as I’m currently demonstrating and you are overwhelmingly impressed). With this skill I would like to further The Empire’s control of the galaxy by bringing the focus point back to where it belongs. The world misses your ever-inspiring ability to kill people in terrifying and unstoppable ways. Let me be that person. I will not disappoint you. I know my skills will impress you. You will be so proud of how it turns around. With my marketing and public relations background I belive I can take The Empire to new heights. You need a little tweeting action, a Facebook page, maybe some microblogging, and of course I’ll set up the LinkedIn profile to better network with the galaxy. You’ll see, The Empire will be something you could never have imagined. Might I also add, my light saber skills are breathtakingly unmistakable… those former mentors never saw it coming (I’d watch your back if I were you Darth… even more reason to push me through).

I fully appreciate your recommendation and cooperation. Yours truly.

Oh hey Empire, you ready for this? Bucket list add? Yep. Checked.

Thanks mysterious friend of pretty lady who shall remain nameless for your contribution to my Darth Vader replacement campaign. You win 100 friend bonus points.

I need to be polarized

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The g-chat of hope:

me: https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?v=10150488721111751
can you see this?? This made me think of you

Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: hahaha that’s so me, crawling through the mud then a proposal hahah

me:  awe it may have also made me think of playing king of the mountain with him tackling me and hiding me behind the mound of dirt to kiss me…    that was a cute moment… we had cute moments… damn him. stupid d-bag haha
Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: awww when was that?… that’s adorable
me: right before he asked me to be his girlfriend when they were digging up his property to build the foundation
Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: omg adorable
me: lets go find some cute moments pretty lady
Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: let’s sneak up on those cute moments
me: oh hey moments who you hiding from we gonna get youuuu
Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: let’s go to south dakota….there are sweeties there right?
me: south dakota? really?
Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: hahah I dunno where do nice boys live?
 me:  you’re asking me?
 Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: HAHAH
 me: I’m the queen of  d-bags… a d-bag magnet to be exact………I need to be polarized.
 Pretty lady who shall remain nameless: HAHAHAH

Thanks for putting your faith into my ability or knowledge of where sweet guys hang… but, let’s be honest.

Why I’d never survive an online dating site…

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So the new wave is to hop online, shop around, and find yo-self a new man just like those pair of Jimmy Choo’s you bought on eBay from shoemaniac867 last night after 22 hours of clicking refresh to make sure you outbid jcsbiggestfan01. Unfortunately (or I think fortunately… as guys are very different from shoes)… I’m a bit behind on this new fad. I just can’t see myself hopping on Match.com or eHarmony to find my soul mate no matter how convincing, heart throbbing, or fairy-tale-esque those commercials make the process out to be…you are still sitting online just scrolling through pages of pictures “shopping.” Have we really become that lazy? (Wait that was harsh… sorry). Seriously though, I’m not necessarily knocking those who do it… but why is it that our culture has become so consumed with being “busy” (or maybe I don’t need quotations there), that we expect everything… even our soul mates at the snap of a finger. Don’t you miss the excitement of meeting someone new through some coincidence and wondering if it’s fate (like that movie Seredipidty… not going to lie, I want to try that sometime… what happened to the day of writing phone numbers in random books and letting the guy search for years to find it before being able to call you… how romantic… yep, those were the days).

Our society has justified the online dating to such a high extent that you no longer blink an eye when someone boldly says, “I met him on Match.com.” Knowing in reality this really means, “I looked through his pictures, attempted to read between the lines of his profile, fell for his exaggerated description, looked past the fact that he didn’t look like his picture, ignored the red flags that screamed I live in my mom’s basement and torture little girls in the corn field after dark… basically I stalked him, but it’s cool… because the commercials tell me it’s romantic.”

I just don’t get it… I think I’ll give the Lemon Law (talk about bucket list worthy – that’s change for America, Barney Stinson style) a go-around before I attempt online dating 101.

Be the exception.

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Tell me, what are your thoughts on girl movies? You know the ones with unrealistic fairy tales that sweep you off of your feet, grip your heart, jerk your tears from your pretty little eyes like Mickey Mouse in that Fantasia scene where he is conducting the brooms with buckets of water (yes this is where my mind goes when I think of those tear-jerking movies…uhg.that.evil.Mickey… wait, is that possible for Mickey to be evil? Okay, sorry back on track…).

You know what I’m talking about though, right? (If you don’t please just nod your head and keep reading regardless, I’m hoping to improve your imagination here). Well, I was “forced” into finally watching that movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” the other day… and let’s just say I walked away a little less than excited… or a not-so-much of a heart racing feeling (more like a heart thud). I realized it’s true, my friend was so right… I’m somewhat of a version of that main character. (She politely said the main character was an exaggerated version of me… but I disagree, I say just take out the word exaggerated and you hit the nail on the head). While yes, all girls have these moments of “maybe my phone isn’t getting his texts, I’ll just text him ten more times… just ten… just to be sure.” (don’t even lie to yourself girrrrl and say you haven’t done this, ya know you have).

I’m definitely the girl (as I learned in this movie) that thinks life is one big fairy tale, which may be why I hate watching girl movies, they get my hopes up (damn all you writers… you can just go to hell now thank you). See I was ruined from day 1. It dates all the way back to Cinderella. Ha. I actually wanted to be proposed to with a glass slipper (no exaggeration). While my dreams have changed about Prince Charming, it partly killed me to watch this movie because I do truly want to love with everything inside of me, I don’t want to play the game, I never have wanted to play the game, it’s stupid. What’s wrong with being honest and open? (Guys feel free to interject your objections at this point). I’ve gone back and forth in my head about this and you see part of me says, “change. stop giving everything you have because you’ll run out of everything eventually… make them earn it, give a little teaser to your personality, that’s it. that’s all they deserve. they don’t appreciate anything anyway.” But then, I think about it and that just wouldn’t make me happy (yes, I do it all for selfish reasons). Oddly enough, I actually enjoy giving, doing, making, creating, loving, sharing (any more -ing’s I’m missing?)… Basically, I get a high from making people happy. Whether I actually do or not, I enjoy the process of trying. So holding this back in any relationship, friend or more, just leaves me empty.

So help me out here… Letting my walls down for a moment. I always will have that hopeless romantic stuck down deep inside and yeah maybe I’m still hanging onto the idea that some guy will see that in me and cling to it like every guy before said I wouldn’t find. Maybe I’m waiting for the day that the guy appreciates my desire to please people, understands it, and admires it. Maybe my dreams of a fairy tale ending will never completely go away. And maybe I know all of this sounds absolutely silly (and maybe a tad bit ridiculous) when I say it out loud, but am I really the only person that has a spec of hope similar to anything like this? Every girl wants to be the exception, every girl deserves to be an exception… not just the rule. But that’s just a thought.