Tag Archives: Love

You’re the social media person… own it.

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I struggle often with the balance between writing what I think or feel and writing what I know will be received well. These last few months I’ve struggled a lot with what is and isn’t appropriate for this blog, which has resulted in a lot of not writing. It’s strange that I can coach other people on being open and honest, but I, myself, struggle to achieve the perfect level of vulnerability.

This past week I received the most bizarrely-blunt advice that I could have ever needed to hear, changing my outlook on how my life is slowly piecing together. It continues to play over in my ears and I’m still trying to figure out what that means for me.

I’ve found myself becoming more distant recently from friends and people I have always had a strong connection with because there is so much doubt in what I’m doing and my recent life choices. All of which have been hard for me to swallow because I feel like I used to provide a strong support for others, that I just can’t understand the lack of support I have recently received. Maybe it’s all my perception and projection of my insecurities… that’s quite possible. Regardless, the cutting words I hear often each day (whether said with malicious intent or not) have worn deeply on my spirit and it wasn’t really until my coffee meeting last week that I understood how somewhat lonely of a life I may be choosing. Yet, if given the option, I’d choose this path each time over and over again.

So few people will ever understand my decisions, my desires, or my goals. That is out of my control. What is in my control is my reaction to this lack of understanding.  Instead of feeling hurt or bullied out of doing what makes my heart feel whole, I need to continue to seek out others who have been through what I’m experiencing: those that have chosen a path of work-life integration, those that are working close to 80 hours a week to avoid the 40-hour workweek, those that understand the desire to have more than a job, but instead this rare lifestyle that I’m so determined to obtain.

The path to independent working is a long, yet very worthwhile, road. It’s my path of choice, and the only option my life will accept. It’s a matter of ignoring the assumptions, judgment, and ill commentary. Instead, finding empowerment in knowing what I do makes a difference; empowerment in knowing one day I will contribute to increased efficiencies in communication and business interactions.

When I let people impose their judgments on my lifestyle, I need to remember… it’s just not acceptable. It’s not worth missing deadlines because I’m keeping to-do lists on sticky notes that I continually lose all because I’m too afraid of pulling my phone out when in the public eye for fear of the never-ending jokes of my “addiction” to technology. I need to remember to remind myself of that bizarrely-blunt and needed advice I got that day: “You’re the social media person. Own it. And to hell with them.”

“Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you are born to stand out” 

Finding comfort in dreams

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enjoy-in-love10I had a dream last night that I found him, that I was laying with my head in his lap as he combed through my hair with his fingertips. He listened as I opened up about my deepest fears in letting someone love me. I shared with him my fear of imposing my life on another’s, how I’ve continually allowed for guys to hide me for fear of their open rejection, my continual “settling” for less than what I know I need for fear of not being worthy of finding it, my lack of strength to not falter in my passions and goals in order to be flexible and accommodating to someone else’s… and as I let each fear roll off my tongue he sat there combing through my hair with his fingertips, listening to every word I spoke allowing me to finish my full thought. As I finished he looked down at me with this reassuring and comforting love in his eyes and said, “I wish those fears were not your concerns. I love you for all that you are and all that you’ll be. I want to show you that you’re my world and that I want to help you let go of those fears.” I immediately felt this calming sensation flow through me. I felt comforted and warm, the tension eased away… he rubbed my back softly until I fell back asleep.He whispered to me, “everything will be okay, you’ll find me when the time is right, but until then, everything will be okay…”

dreamI woke up this morning so calm, with a strength I’ve never really felt before. I felt as though who ever “he” is knew me in a way no one else ever could, in a way that no one else ever will. He passed no judgement on the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, and cherished all the good and bad that have shaped me into the person that I am today. I find an eerie comfort in that dream and today, I’m okay with all that I am and all that I’ve become. And I’m reminded… Everything will be okay.

V-to-the-B… ver-ON-i-CA!

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It’s amazing how much one person can truly impact your life without you fully understanding to what extent. The past few weeks I’ve been super sappy and reflecting on memories, going through old photos and trying not to be too selfish with the time left (I say that as if someone is on their death-bed… gosh, I’m such an overdramatic sap sometimes… Lady V will never let me live this one down). It’s funny though, I’ve really taken it for granted how close we’ve lived near each other the last few months (and years for that matter) and in less than 24 hours she’ll be on her way to a life 637 miles  (yes, I google mapped it, don’t judge) from mine… that’s 11 hours and a passport away! Yep, I said passport… Lady V has finally achieved the International Badass title (about damn time!) that we’ve been waiting for since… well, since as long as I’ve known her. When we were 18 we schemed up a plan to make her English dream-life a reality… I mean, we had it down to the late night/early morning kidnapping-drive to the airport and everything. It was fool-proof, I swear… Parent proof… maybe not so much. Even though this time there will be no grand escapes, it still seems as though this adventure seems to be one more worth sharing.

But I’m so not ready for her move now! Excited, but not ready. This lady has helped shape my sarcasm (no matter how bad it still is, she’s determine to not give up), my badassness (okay, maybe I’m not that badass, but I like to think that part of her rubbed off on me) and my appreciation for metal (yes a little poppy-blonde does stand out at a kickass metal show). She has been the logic to my dramatic emotions, the voice of reason that I tend to lack, yet continues to listen without judging when I share my outrageous stories, feelings and life “troubles.”

Lady V is something else I tell ya. I’ve always found myself intrigued by her and I guess that’s why I cherish our friendship in the ways that I do. She’s most unlike any friend you’ll ever have or ever meet… you see, Lady V in a nutshell is a badass-metalhead twisted with a true southern belle… she’s hardcore with class, leather jacket and pearls… she’s a friend my life can’t survive without.

We’ve been through high school awkwardness to college adjustments to post-college uncertainty and strategically grown lives that are destined for greatness. Here’s to a new chapter that I may not physically be there to witness, but I’m so happy to be on the sidelines for. You have so much to offer this world and I cannot tell you how blessed I feel to have the opportunity to watch you take on a new country (even if it is Canada. Okay, bad joke). Never forget your southern roots, the HB love, and all of the ridiculous adventures we’ve had over the years… you, my dear, is what a friend is made of and I thank you for teaching me that. Now go teach Canada the VB way!

Breathe in, breathe out… and move on.

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“Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period.”

This morning when I was scrolling through Facebook, I stumbled across this quote. At first I read it and wasn’t impressed… but then re-read it and let it sink in on my drive to work. I needed to read this. I needed to think about it. And I needed to embrace it.

I’ve been frustrated recently because “so and so is being difficult,” or “so and so is too negative,” or “my work is too demanding,” or “my job isn’t what I want it to be,” or “I don’t live where I want to live…” and how the list tends to drag on. But the key here is, I am able and responsible for how I choose to let these factors affect me. It is true, I am responsible for my decisions and only I am to blame for how I allow myself to react or feel about any given situation. Sure, situations may provoke me or open the door for poor response… but I need to work on my reaction and my awareness of what I do have control over.

This is a hard realization for me because I do take everything (and I mean EVVERRRRR-Y-Thing) to heart (y’all that know me, know). My insecurities influence my feelings to think that every nasty, negativity is targeting me. That I matter so much (or so little) that every whisper is a judgment of me, every short response is a jab or has deeper meaning. I need to work on trusting in who I am and what I stand for in order to feel at peace with my surroundings. When I feel as though the world is closing in on me and suffocating my every move, I need to learn how to breathe, breathe deeply and remind myself that I do have control of my decisions. I have the ability to make something more out of what I’m given.

I think it’s time for me to breathe in… breathe out… and move on.

The wildman that brought me peace

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While I’ve found myself opening up more with each post, there are still so many things I don’t share with the blog-o-sphere. Family stories being at the top of my list. You see, over the last few years my family has had its up’s and down’s… we’ve struggled to say the least, but my realization recently: what family hasn’t? I’m ashamed to say, that at times I’ve found myself disappointed and embarrased by my family troubles… that statement: possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever written and actually formed into words outside of my head.

You see, at 22 and at the end of my senior year of college my parents separated. This moment was probably the most earth-shattering moment of my life, or so I thought. It’s taken me three and a half years to be comfortable enough to even talk about it without it bringing tears to my eyes. This separation tore my family apart, all of us going in separate directions and taking (or trying not to take) sides. I found myself hating holidays, birthdays, and any occassion where I felt like one parent would be left out… in those cases I began avoiding the outing all together. Instead of leaving one out, I’d just exclude myself all together in order to eliminate the feeling of “choosing sides.”

At 22 (and now almost 26) you would think it would be an easier concept to understand, but in all honesty, it wasn’t… I think (and I say I think because I’ve never been in an 8-year-old’s shoes that went through a divorce/separation) it would be easier for me to be young and ignorant to the concept of family than a young adult who had a complete family to lean on for 20+ years only to have that foundation crumble. As you can imagine, this has definitely played a role in my life as I’ve searched for love and worked to re-define my independence, yet I still never saw how I would find peace in my parents’ relationship and its effect on our family.

Surprisingly enough, it took one young man, one wildman to lead my heart to peace. It took that wildman to open all of our eyes to the many miscommunications, the words being left unsaid, and the need for family in whatever form that might take. It allowed me to be honest (even moreso with myself) with how I felt, open about it’s effect on my life, and capable of accepting it for what it is. For the first time in three and a half years, I feel this relieving peace with my family, my parents, and the path we’re now on together, because regardless of whether or not my parents are “together,” I now understand that we will always be a family… and we will always need each other in one way or another. I just want you each to know that no matter how hard things get (because I know they will), Pops, Mama T, Sister-Friend, and Wildman, you four have the deepest love in my heart, that will forever be the truth.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
 

What a year!

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It’s hard to believe it has been a year since I started this blog… well, it was officially a year this past Friday, but I was on wedding overload… and no, not my wedding. Come on, you read this thing, you should know that I’d clue you in if I was making those kinda changes in my life… give me another 10 years for that (and yes, I can add, I know that puts me at 35 going on 36… don’t judge).

The wedding that took place this weekend was kind of perfect for my year anniversary of the beginnings of my epic adventures. It gave me the opportunity to witness two people who whole-heartedly deserved the beautiful celebration they received and all the love they were showered with. The Most Classy Gal, as she was named in the toast given by Crazy K, has been an inspiration to me over the last 10+ years that I’ve known her, but more specifically in the last three years that I’ve been so fortunate to develop an even stronger friendship with her. The Most Classy Gal is the epitome of a good friend. She has never asked for anything and is forever giving with no expectations. She remembers every meeting, date, trip, and important event you tell her about, sending wishes of good luck before and inquiring about outcomes afterward. She remembers your favorite food, dessert (even if she can’t have it herself), and soda, being sure she stocks up for whenever (even if it’s months down the road) you might stop by next.

Watching The Most Classy Gal & her now husband receive everything she never asked for, but everything she ever deserved gave me chills. It reinforced almost everything my adventures this past year have stood for: finding happiness, love, and the independence & strength she has that I so desire.

I’ve been blessed by being surrounded by friends and family very much like The Most Classy Gal and empowered to move away from those that were toxic. It has been quite a whirlwind of learning, observing, and moving on. Growing up has never been so intense and exciting at the same time. I strive to one day be a friend to the level that The Most Classy Gal is without trying and I will continue to find new adventures that test my strength and broadened my appreciation for other lifestyles & cultures. This year has been a turning point in my life and I will be forever grateful for all that have encouraged me, comforted me, loved me, and pushed me to work harder. This year was only the beginning, I can’t wait to see what’s next. Here’s to the continuation of a mid-twenties’ take on life, love, and discovering independence.

Who am I again?

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Super cheesy, I know… but it’s true.

Most of the time I feel like I’m moving forward at a speed I can’t keep up with (in a good way), I feel like I’ve accomplished so much in the past few months that I never could have imagined possible. Yet, some days I still find myself feeling those bitter feelings when I’m in certain situations or reminded of where I thought my life was going… that feeling just creeps up, like hives (bleh… gross).

Does that bitter feeling ever go away? I honestly am quite tired of feeling those negative things and I know my friends are most likely beyond tired of hearing about them.

I mean, I am finally in a place in my life where I want to be single. Regardless of those occasional lingering bitter feelings, it’s literally the first time I think I’ve ever felt content with being single. That may sound silly (because it is), but in all honesty, I guess I’m somewhat of a serial monogamous and absolutely a hopeless romantic. But after 25 1/2 years, I’ve come to the conclusion (oh wait, here’s the kicker) I need to figure me out a LOT more before I can figure anyone else out (no matter how much I enjoy dissecting the male brain… ha, sick, I know, who actually enjoys that?).

Wow, imagine that, what a realization. (Do you hear my sarcasm?… Okay sister-friend, you can now say: “I told you so.” Go ahead, I’m giving you permission).

Just gonna keep looking forward. Gosh, 25 is such an awkward age. Thank God I’m almost 26… oh wait… is that a good thing? Ha… Guess I’ll have to let you know…

To be continued?

I watched the sun set from the top of the world

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… Or so it felt. Last weekend Mr. Gentleman Caller and I took quite the adventurous journey to the highest point in West Virginia, which just so happens to be only about a three hour drive from my apartment. The original plan didn’t begin here however, the top of the world sensation only happened by chance… and it was one hell of a breathtaking  chance if you ask me.

Originally we had goals of camping in a National Park and walking almost type-rope across this incredible swinging bridge we found in a picture online… we had no clue if it really existed, but we were determined to find it.

Saturday morning we began our venture west. Remember earlier how I said it was a three hour drive? Well we turned it into a full day of driving (do not mistake that fact for complaint… it was part of what made this adventure adventure-worthy). Driving with no set time, directions, or pre-planned destination is one of my absolute favorite things. So that’s exactly what we did. I sat shotgun with an atlas and a camera as we found ourselves on roads you could never find on Google Maps, no matter how close you zoomed in on satellite view. Thank goodness for my mom’s sense of adventure and my dad’s impecable sense of direction that I’ve graciously inherited.

In search of our old swinging bridge, Mr. Gentleman Caller zoomed around turns and down mountain sides that tricked my stomach into thinking I was on the most beautiful roller coaster any life could have experienced. The swinging bridge was found, but unfortunately it was a four to six hour hike and being that we turned our adventure into a roadtrip extravaganza, this would have to be saved for another trip (*fingers crossed* with hope there will be a next trip). Upon finding this bridge, we also came across this newly opened log cabin adventure motel & rustic cabin rentals aka Nelson Rocks Outdoor Center (if you ever find yourself near the top of the world of WV, definitely check into this spot, I loved every bit of it!).

Since the bridge was out, we ventured on to accomplish original goal number two of our adventure: find a breathtaking location to photograph the sunset. See, Mr. Gentleman Caller and I may possibly have this ongoing bet of who is more obsessed with sunsets (I obviously am… he just hasn’t been clued in yet). There will be more on this bet in coming posts… you will be asked to weigh in, so get your poker faces straight and your voting fingers ready (because I will win… and you will assist me in this… duh).

Back to the goal! We heard that Spruce Knob was 17 miles from where we were and it just so happens Spruce Knob is the highest point in all of West Virginia (do you feel my story getting climatic? Are you connecting the dots? Yeah? Okay… I’ll continue). So these 17 miles possibly took all of an hour to drive because those 17 miles were made up of one long pin-curve, windy, dirt road only wide enough for one small car that we managed to fit a large vehicle on it’s path… it was working out for the most part until we came head on with a rather large RV that was most definitely no small car… predicament? Yes slightly… Well, it only made it a bit more exciting… or at lease I, as co-pilot (not driver with someone else’s life in their hands, no pressure right?) thought it made it a bit more exciting.

Finally we made it to the top… the breathtaking spot to properly photograph a Saturday evening sunset. Only, we had no idea just how breathtaking it would turn out to be. The hike to the highest point turned into hiking off the trail to find ourselves on this grassy knoll that had a 360 degree view of the entire state… no big deal right? Possibly one of the most beautiful views I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing. Mr. Gentleman Caller lucked out in his chivalrous courting extravaganza with this spot where we sat and ate our picnic dinner as we nerd-ishly shared photography tips while the sun set it’s pink and orange tints over the blue-hued mountaintops. Breathtaking? No, I think there are no real words for what this truly was… breathtaking was only one aspect of it.

Take a look for yourself, but know that no photograph will ever do this view justice, not even in the littlest bit.

On the drive up the mountain

Setting up the picnic exactly in the middle of this grassy knoll

Is chivalry really dead?

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After yesterday’s birthday celebration for my grandmother, my mind has been on a wander. It was touching in a way I can’t express through words to watch my grandmother watch the video I put together with her old photographs. She’s usually a strong woman that doesn’t show much excitement or emotion (I obviously did not get my emotional expression from her). However, watching her reaction to some of the photos was just incredible. The best of all though, when the last song on the video, “I can’t give you anything but love, baby,” began to play I saw a spark in her eyes as she sat up a little straighter leaning in to be sure she was hearing correctly. I then heard her say sweetly with a little excitement in her voice, “That’s the song… the song El used to sing me when he was courting me.” She continued to tell us back then “everyone was poor so that’s all he could give [her].” It was possibly the most precious thing I’ve ever watched her say.

I think that moment will forever be engrained in me. I want that. I want that never-dying, deep love. My Pop Pop died about fifteen years ago and watching her today listen to that song with tears in her eyes… it was touching to say the least. In most ways, I’m quite forward thinking, independent, and an equal opportunist, but in some ways… the old-fashion traditions catch my heart. It’s the little mannerisms that catch my attention to be honest; when you’re walking down a street and the guy walks closest to the roadside, when a guy opens the door for you and guides you through by the small of your back, when a guy looks you in the eye with interest in what you have to say, when a guy opens the car door for you… I could go on… but these are just a few of those old-fashion chivalrous things that slightly melt my heart yet I’ve experienced little of and rarely in the same occasion. Yet, I’ve learned… if you’re the kind of guy that plays games, I’m not the one for you. The whole, wait three days to call… doesn’t really work on me (I’ve mentioned before, I have a slight case of ADD). I do however have high hopes chivalry is not completely dead… It might just take a bit longer to find it. Here’s to hoping.

What inspires you?

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I originally started this blog to share my adventures as I worked through the many challenges faced in life with hopes of creating inspiration in someone else and encourage them to live out their dreams without settling. While sometimes I think my posts steer away from my original purpose (I’ve mentioned before I have ADD right?… well I mean, I don’t know if I really do… but I definitely do) I try to continue to live through that purpose in my own life. However, today I, myself, was inspired and given a new perspective on the value of life.

Unsurprisingly, I’ve been inspired by my sister and a close friend of her’s, let’s call him… lung boy? yeah?… keep reading…

My sister, for one, is a pretty remarkable woman (despite what I say about her… no seriously though… pretty cool lady). Sister-lady works hard helping people through her work with nonprofits and volunteering. She has strength to handle situations my emotions can’t even bear to think about at times.

With that said, this morning I get an email from her, subject line reads: “I need your help.” Now, typically this means the body of the email will read something like this: “Hey sister-friend, you need to do me this really ridiculous favor since I’m the best sister ever…” Growing up, that’s just how it worked… when we were kids (yes I’m going to ramble a bit, but the story fits so follow along), like really little kids… like she was twice as tall as me (hm, I guess that hasn’t really ever changed)… she was throwing this stick in the river, playing fetch with our black lab when she threw it in the river so far that the pups wouldn’t go after it, so sister-lady made me go get it. Even though the mucky river water came up to my nose and only came up to her waist… I totally did it, because of course she was my sister and she (even then) was remarkable (despite her evil manipulations) and I wanted to be just like her.

Anyhow, back to where I was going with this email titled “I need your help.” It wasn’t even close to the typical “you need to do me this ridiculously, outrageous favor” request (that she knows I’ll do, just like with that stick… because she’s my sister and sometimes, even now, I want to be a lot like her). This email however was inspiring to be completely honest.

Let me tell you about it…

My sister has this friend, lung-boy who has been put on a list for a double lung transplant for the second time. This guy is incredible, truly remarkable. He is one of the most positive people I’ve met despite what he’s been through and what health problems he has run into throughout his life. This process will determine whether he is admitted through the Duke Medical program to get his transplant with costs ranging somewhere around $10,000. I’m not sure about you, but who honestly has $10,000 just lying around in their bank account for a rainy day… not I.

This morning sister-lady reached out to five of her friends, including me (yep… I referred to myself as her friend) to help raise money to cover the costs for her friend to get this life-changing transplant. Talk about inspiration. Count me in, whatever it takes, how could I say no to such an invitation and opportunity to help.

It’s amazing how quickly your perspective can change.

He inspires me with his strength, never-giving-up attitude, and his faith in life. I admire her for her dedication and loyalty to her friends and her selfless desire to help people.

Stay tuned for updates on his progress…

**Update: My sister set up a paypal account for anyone who is interested in donating for our friend’s double-lung transplant. Thank you all for your genorosity and help! If you’re interested in more information and keeping up with Chris’ status, you can learn more at: http://christophernalley.com or if you’d like to donate please click the button below:

Now tell me, what inspires you?